"I never promised you a rose garden. I never promised you perfect justice . . .The only reality I offer is challenge, and being well is being free to accept it or not at whatever level you are capable. I never promise lies, and the rose-garden world of perfection is a lie"
I think I’m off weight-gain! I don’t have to drink my one Ensure a day anymore. My dietician says some of the gain was probably hydration or something because I had kind of a large gain, but WHATEVER. Besides some bloat in the stomach, I don’t feel much different in my body.
You want to know what keeps me from pouring all my Ensures down the drain? (Been there, done that…only wastes money)
I just try to remember that I drank Ensures at Remuda
after my tube-feeding refusals finally brought on consequences and I didn’t get fat. In fact, I needed them at the time. Even though I don’t think I need them now my weight is too high my weight is too high I can’t really trust myself to make that decision for myself; I’m told that I need them and so drink them I must. If not, I can’t be treated on an outpatient basis because my therapist can’t help me if I’m constantly self-sabotaging.
Now drink those
disgusting, get away from me calories, Mckenna!
Wow, if I had been on Tumblr reading about only eating healthy foods and not eating this and not eating that, I would have died back at JH in December 2010. And considering the circumstances, I could mean that quite literally. Because of the horrible exchange system and caloric minimum (who the hell has a specific calorie goal AND exchange system??), we would have desserts like cake and pudding EVERY DAY, sometimes twice a day. It was horrible. I’m cringing at the thought. It was terrible enough at the time
and I was purging in secret every day and still refusing some at meals but I’ve learned a lot on Tumblr….and 2/3 of it more than not hinders things when it comes to my recovery.
I hate these memories. I hate these memories.
Didn’t gain as much [weight] as I thought. Both wonderful and terrible, a blessing and a curse. Clap your hands if you’re ambivalent!
Of course it’s going to be so
fucking awkward. Apparently I’m the only one that’s going to get frozen yogurt today because I’m on the fucking weight gain train. I DO NOT mean that people who maintain can’t eat frozen yogurt, because it’s a wonderful treat and I hope you guys let yourself enjoy the deliciousness, but I feel like poop because I’m the only one in my family today that’s getting it and that’s so awkward. I keep debating whether I should even go for it now or not, but I need the calories. I hate this.
I’m sorry, Tumblr, but I refuse to let you make me feel like poop because the only ‘exercise’ I had today was walking around a mall and Barnes and Noble. Too effing bad. This won’t be an easy couple of weeks if I let myself be so easily triggered by this kind of thing.
EDIT: Not to mention that I’m not even supposed to exercise…bah, oh well.
Is going to be really tough. I am on what my therapist refers to as a “rapid weight gain plan”, because if I don’t gain ~six and a half pounds in a week and a half to two weeks, my mom is going to go bonkers and send me to Utah. Not kidding.
Yeah, sounds like a lot of weight to gain in a short amount of time to me, too. Not much I can do about it except EAT. So eat I must. And eat I will…because if I can AT LEAST show that I’m willing to gain weight and be compliant, maybe it won’t matter as much if I haven’t gained that whole lotta weight in the allotted time.
This is going to be tough. Real tough. I’m scared, and I’m probably going to cry a lot. Already have - not today, thankfully. And I guess that’s it for now.
Let’s hope I don’t let the number f*** me over. I hate these days.
When my weight is lower than it’s supposed to be, at least then I can allow myself to eat more to make up for the weight I lost, because I need it, right? But when I gain weight, I almost automatically restrict because I feel like I don’t deserve the food anymore, even though I still have x pounds to gain. Fullness isn’t foreign, but it’s unwanted, and restricting (or purging, but that is last resort) is the only way I have to rectify that horrible feeling.
Now I’m convincing myself that the scale lied. I couldn’t have lost that weight. I don’t look like I lost that weight, I don’t feel like I lost all that weight…
I can’t have all of that to gain…it’s a low “healthy” BMI they’re setting up for me, but it’s still formidable, especially considering how far away I am right now. I’ve got this crappy expression on my face.
I Skyped with my friend tonight, so I used a *positive coping skill*. Applause for an amazing friend (her, not me).