Being nuts is being somewhere

Good good good news!

I think I’m off weight-gain! I don’t have to drink my one Ensure a day anymore. My dietician says some of the gain was probably hydration or something because I had kind of a large gain, but WHATEVER. Besides some bloat in the stomach, I don’t feel much different in my body.
WOOHOO. Cool.

You want to know what keeps me from pouring all my Ensures down the drain? (Been there, done that…only wastes money)

I just try to remember that I drank Ensures at Remuda after my tube-feeding refusals finally brought on consequences and I didn’t get fat. In fact, I needed them at the time. Even though I don’t think I need them now my weight is too high my weight is too high I can’t really trust myself to make that decision for myself; I’m told that I need them and so drink them I must. If not, I can’t be treated on an outpatient basis because my therapist can’t help me if I’m constantly self-sabotaging.

Now drink those disgusting, get away from me calories, Mckenna!

Wow, if I had been on Tumblr reading about only eating healthy foods and not eating this and not eating that, I would have died back at JH in December 2010. And considering the circumstances, I could mean that quite literally. Because of the horrible exchange system and caloric minimum (who the hell has a specific calorie goal AND exchange system??), we would have desserts like cake and pudding EVERY DAY, sometimes twice a day. It was horrible. I’m cringing at the thought. It was terrible enough at the time and I was purging in secret every day and still refusing some at meals but I’ve learned a lot on Tumblr….and 2/3 of it more than not hinders things when it comes to my recovery.

I hate these memories. I hate these memories.

I hate Ensures, but I can never eat enough food to make up for them.

Bah

Didn’t gain as much [weight] as I thought. Both wonderful and terrible, a blessing and a curse. Clap your hands if you’re ambivalent!

Slight number TW and just overall negativity

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Awkward

Of course it’s going to be so fucking awkward. Apparently I’m the only one that’s going to get frozen yogurt today because I’m on the fucking weight gain train. I DO NOT mean that people who maintain can’t eat frozen yogurt, because it’s a wonderful treat and I hope you guys let yourself enjoy the deliciousness, but I feel like poop because I’m the only one in my family today that’s getting it and that’s so awkward. I keep debating whether I should even go for it now or not, but I need the calories. I hate this.

WHEN YOU’RE TOLD YOU STILL HAVE MORE WEIGHT TO GAIN TO GET TO TARGET

Reblogged from edtreatmentproblems

edtreatmentproblems:

I refuse to feel bad that I didn’t exercise today

I’m sorry, Tumblr, but I refuse to let you make me feel like poop because the only ‘exercise’ I had today was walking around a mall and Barnes and Noble. Too effing bad. This won’t be an easy couple of weeks if I let myself be so easily triggered by this kind of thing.

EDIT: Not to mention that I’m not even supposed to exercise…bah, oh well.

The next week and a half

Is going to be really tough. I am on what my therapist refers to as a “rapid weight gain plan”, because if I don’t gain ~six and a half pounds in a week and a half to two weeks, my mom is going to go bonkers and send me to Utah. Not kidding.

Yeah, sounds like a lot of weight to gain in a short amount of time to me, too. Not much I can do about it except EAT. So eat I must. And eat I will…because if I can AT LEAST show that I’m willing to gain weight and be compliant, maybe it won’t matter as much if I haven’t gained that whole lotta weight in the allotted time.

This is going to be tough. Real tough. I’m scared, and I’m probably going to cry a lot. Already have - not today, thankfully. And I guess that’s it for now.

Weigh-in today

Let’s hope I don’t let the number f*** me over. I hate these days.

When my weight is lower than it’s supposed to be, at least then I can allow myself to eat more to make up for the weight I lost, because I need it, right? But when I gain weight, I almost automatically restrict because I feel like I don’t deserve the food anymore, even though I still have x pounds to gain. Fullness isn’t foreign, but it’s unwanted, and restricting (or purging, but that is last resort) is the only way I have to rectify that horrible feeling.

Now I’m convincing myself that the scale lied. I couldn’t have lost that weight. I don’t look like I lost that weight, I don’t feel like I lost all that weight…

I can’t have all of that to gain…it’s a low “healthy” BMI they’re setting up for me, but it’s still formidable, especially considering how far away I am right now. I’ve got this crappy expression on my face.

BUT.

I Skyped with my friend tonight, so I used a *positive coping skill*. Applause for an amazing friend (her, not me).