Being nuts is being somewhere

Disappointment of the morning

*Warning: recovering anorectic rant.

Bah.

I went on a lovely bike-ride and felt really pumped and happy once I got back. I’m guessing a good amount of that was due to the fact that I was listening and lip-synching to “Dancing Through Life” on my back back inside.

Anyway, I run into my mom and I start telling her how good I feel and all that silliness. But she decides to interrupt me by sternly saying, ‘Keni, are you beefing it up? Because you’re really looking too thin.’

I’m sorry, Mom, but I didn’t ask.

Bye bye, sunshine. I know I’m not losing weight because my prom dress still fits perfectly (tried it on again yesterday), and I’m actually a bit worried because it feels a bit constricting at the top which makes me worry because the seamstress made the alterations very snug and I still want to be able to wear the dress again if I get the chance. But I’m not worried about it fitting tomorrow because it’s just a day away.

Right?

Ain’t that the truth

Don’t blow people off or give them the hand when they tell you that body image only gets worse as you lose weight because it’s true. Yeah, you may have those moments where you can recognize the weight loss, but I know I can almost see myself getting bigger, even as my dietician says I’m going down. Thanks, brain, for not supporting body acceptance and healthy functioning HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(Think Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook - re: ‘..because I am SOOO much crazier than you!’ I can’t find the right picture right now for it and that’s very frustrating.)

Good thing I’m not losing more weight! And I don’t mean that sarcastically.

A Light in the Dark

The thing about falling back to a slightly underweight body and mindset (because believe me, there’s a difference between your mind functioning at  a low body weight and a healthy one) when you’ve gotten to a healthy weight before and maintained it for a good period of time is being able to keep a few good fragments of that rational mindset. I’ve been in a better place mentally and I remember what it was like.

I’m not going to give that hope up just to get the brief ‘satisfaction’ of seeing a low number on the scale or seeing so many rib bones under taut skin. I’m determined to be one hell of a fighter outpatient because I’ve got things to fight for. I can;’t promise health for the next whole year, especially not the rest of my life, but for today, I’m gonna be alright.

I can do this

Because of how I’m feeling in my body, I think I’ve lost a pound or two but I will not let this stop me from righting my wrongs. I am going to take the initiative to boost my intake a little more than I already have because I can’t afford to lose more weight. I can’t afford to butcher my family and treatment team’s trust because of this weight loss realization.  I’ve been told I need to prove to everybody that I could fend for myself just fine on my own, and by that they mean take care of myself.

I can do this.

Just realized

I haven’t “mutilated” my arms in roughly three months.

And I haven’t purged in five months.

Huh, that’s kind of an accomplishment. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but ‘Go me’.

Eating Disorder Awareness Week

25% of anorexics will die.  35% will make a full recovery. And the other 40% will live with an eating disorder or subclinical eating disorder for the rest of their lives.

That statistic kills me. (Almost literally.) The doctor at Remuda actually told me before I discharged from the inpatient facility that she thought I was going to be one of the 20% to die (different statistic apparently) when I was first admitted. I had to force myself not to laugh at the time, but it’s an interesting thing to ponder in retrospect.

Here’s an blog post I highly recommend to anyone about making ED awareness week more than just making people aware.

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/survivinged/2013/02/whats-all-the-fuss-about-eating-disorders-anyway/

Pre-CFC vs. Post-CFC

1.  I no longer count or measure any of my food
2. 2. Right now I’m having half a cookie with my snack of cottage cheese because YOLO
3. I’ve stopped following a lot of blogs that I think could be potentially triggering, so if you’ve noticed or if you haven’t, please don’t worry about it. I’m just doing what I think is right for me right now. Plus, I made that deal with my parents because they didn’t want me coming back onto Tumblr at all.
4. I’m drinking water
5. Eating meat – not a lot of red meat because I don’t like it taste-wise. But I eat chicken pretty regularly. I realized my reasoning against it was stupid…and there basically was no reason for it besides my own stubborn conviction.
6. Lots of poundage, but that doesn’t need to be dwelled on….
7.  I’m not as suicidal as I used to be.  My mom isn’t locking up my pills anymore, and I haven’t really had too many urges to TRY and overdose, so I don’t think I will.
8. Depression isn’t as intense as consistently
9.   I’ve learned how to become a role-model/lead
10. I’ve found new healthy coping skills…and I’ve actually practiced using them instead of brushing them off like I used to
11. Not as triggered by things as I used to be (sometimes, not always
12. I can think more clearly
13.  I can think more RATIONALLY
14. Even though I already deleted some of my old body pics, before I did, I looked at them and realized that I wasn’t  fat like I’d thought I was at the time I took them.  I looked a lot worse off than I had thought.
15.  I have more goals for the future - even if they’re short-term
16. I HAVE MY COLLEGE APPLICATIONS SUBMITTED. Hallelujah.
17.  Not as much focus on nutrition content (sodium, carb, sugar, calories, etc)
18. I’m not counting calories
19.  I’m open to drinking regular milk – as opposed to soy milk
20. My psychiatrist doesn’t actually HATE ME.….Well, he never hated me, but at least he was happy with me the last time I saw him.  He wasn’t threatening treatment (again) but was happy with me and happy FOR me.
21. After eating like, six sweets a day, I don’t think I’m going to kill myself if I end up eating some candy here and there.

Dude, I finished it [the cheesecake]

I mean, it was like 3X3 inch but still. Kind of freaked out, but it was REALLY GOOD. My dad even tried some and told me it was good considering it was vegan and all.

You betcha.

NYC adventures

I really thought I had had the moment today.  On campus on NYU, I suddenly felt excited and got the sense that I could do this. I realized I’d need to do what I needed to do to prove I could go away to school, even if that meant gaining weight (it does), because I wanted to do this.  I felt so sure of myself, so hopeful.

Now I’ve kind of regulated back into an unhealthy mindset. I have a little part of me still trying to cling on to that confidence I had found earlier, but it’s faded a lot. The unhealthy voices are just so strong. 

Plus side: We attended a piano recital at Julliard and it was pretty awesome.

And now we’re apparently ordering in instead of going to the fucking Whole Foods. I feel like I’m going to cry. My face is already assuming the expression.

Compare like we just don’t care!

It’s so easy to compare to other people.

Ex - ‘She’s underweight and she’s healthy’

Well, hello! I am not ‘her’; because my body is just somewhat royally f***ed up, I have different needs that need to met nutritionally. It’s like, if a non-disordered person skips a meal because, I don’t know, they forgot - it’s not as big a deal, yeah? They don’t have the mental baggage, and because food, weight, calories, etc isn’t their life, it won’t really disrupt it.They’ll just move on and maybe eat more later if they’re feeling extra hungry.

Sayonara to those good ol’ days, eh? But, while it will never just be okay to skip a meal, there is that hope that disordered thoughts won’t drive our lives anymore - once we get our little behinds in gear.

Sometimes I have to have little talks with myself. When something is threatening to detriment my decisions, I have to talk out loud to myself:

You know what you want to do (restrict) and you know what you should do (eat). But what are you actually going to do?

I know it’s my decision. I make the choice whether I do the right thing or indulge my twisted little desires.

Yeah, this is kind of brought on by something that’s happened, and even if it’s stupid and inconsequential, those kinds of things really upset me and throw me off-track. Boo.

Paying attention to the little things

When we observe things so closely, we’re going to know if something falls between the cracks. If we let it fall, it’s out of our own accord.

Like, lately when my mom’s picked up greek yogurt for me at the store, when I ask for Oikos, without a thought, she buys the smaller, lower calorie cups. Why? Not because she wants me to eat less calories or thinks I’m fat, but because it’s more convenient because they come in packs.  However, twisting it this way and that, it’s my own fault that I haven’t told her that the smaller cups aren’t going to help my weight gain. It’s hard enough for me to eat enough, and even harder to tell somebody when they’re doing something that reaaaally doesn’t help at all.

So, I may zip my lips for now, but I know it’s not because it’s “no big deal”. To my ED, it is a big deal - every. single. calorie. - and by not saying anything, I’m feeding into it. Sometimes we think the little things don’t matter, but in a disease where perfection and precision is everything, every little thing does matter.

(Call this post silly, I don’t care. I’m just feeling thoughtful)