It still irritates me that a teacher of mine compared my ultra-sensitivity to discussions about eating disorders with other students to the sensitivity some students have to the Jim Crow documentaries we are currently watching, now a couple weeks after the ED/eating problems unit/section. I mean, what the fuck? It isn’t fair to compare those at all.
Showing 60 posts tagged rant
I can’t believe I’m actually trying to figure out how to shorten one of my papers, because the page limit the teacher gave us is impossible to not exceed because of requirements she made (ex - write about [insert topic here] and must be x pages long) which literally go over the page limit. Argh. I have to email the paper to her anyway so I might say something about it when I do because I doubt I’m the only one having trouble with it. And I obviously won’t try to sound condescending or all high and mighty of course because that would be dumb and disrespectful. Just frustrated.
Every freshman has required once-a-week lectures by a different professor/presenter each week. Last week it was hard to stay awake through it but today I got really pissed off and anxious.
The topic was privacy, and a situation was brought up in relation to the old TV show “To Catch a Predator” on Dateline. Basically, the presenter was planting the idea that perhaps it is unfair that the sexual predators be put on national television because of their reputation and what that will mean for the men (or women?) when they go out in public and are recognized.
My response to that: FUCK that. Sexual predators SHOULD be displayed to the public because it’s a matter of protecting children and young adults. If you didn’t watch the show (I didn’t either), the idea was luring sexual predators into custody by faking the profile of a young girl online and inviting the predators to the supposed girl’s house.
Anyway, what the fuck do I care about a sexual predator’s reputation? Nothing. No, I do not care. I’ve seen the effects of people through traumatic experiences such as rape and molestation. So the last thing I care about in that situation is the perpetrator’s reputation.
Also, the speaker compared the privacy of such a case to a totally harmless case of a girl’s privacy being violated when a stranger posted a picture of her at a nude beach. The difference there being that she wasn’t doing anything wrong and, at least from that example, wasn’t a threat to society. You CANNOT compare those two cases and then generally ask if there are privacy issues in our current culture with new technologies.
Additionally, I was really irritated by the speaker’s constant argument of what ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ be happening. It was all idealistic babble. Should someone post a picture of a naked girl online without her permission? Hell no. But does that happen? Yes. Should kids be bullied? No, no, no, no, no! But bullying will never be fully put to a stop. Even passing for bullying to be illegal wouldn’t be the cure-all. Some drugs are illegal but people still use and abuse them. We need to think in realistic terms. Yes it’s nice to hope that all the bad things in the world will go away and we can all be a happy nation, but do I think that’s realistically going to happen? No.
Oh, and fun times: for the first time in almost a year, I know my approximate weight. Like, how heavy I would be to carry. And damn, it’s really weird to think that it’s been nearly a year. But yes, I unfortunately, and totally by accident, caught a glimpse of my weight, give or take a couple of pounds ( I won’t go into detail why I don’t think the number I saw was completely accurate). Good news is that I’m not obsessing over it. Yet. Bad news is that, regardless, I have that number in my head and I won’t be able to get rid of it.
I have quite a long and embarrassing debacle that occurred today but because of no reason in particular, I’ve come here to vent about just one detail that simultaneously made me feel both embarrassed as well as curious.
Basic setting: I was trying to donate blood today and after I finished the fancy fancy paperwork (spoiler alert: didn’t actually end up being allowed to donate blood), one of the women running it, out of nowhere, asked me,
"Have you eaten today, Mckenna?"
I was so surprised. She hadn’t asked anyone else. So yes, I DID feel embarrassed because there were other guys sitting there getting ready to donate blood as well. Without too much hesitation I (as confidently as I could) replied, “Yes.”
Which was true. I’d eaten both breakfast and lunch at that point….
I dunno, that just bothered me a lot. The two reasons I couldn’t donate in the end were 1) I didn’t know the names of the vaccinations I’d received a few weeks before school started 2) I didn’t know my exact weight. Blah.
I just need a fucking break already. Stop harassing Mckenna about her weight so she can focus on school starting. They treat me like I’m a train-wreck.
Things are so much more complicated now that I am not going to be living in the dorms at my school. All freshman are required to live in the dorms the first two years, but my mom got a medical waiver for me to commute from home the first semester. There are all these “getting to know each other” activities during orientation in the next couple weeks but they have a lot of these things early in the morning and late at night, because most everyone is going to be sleeping at the dorms while I have to drive roughly 45 minutes to even make it to the campus. Sigh. I would have rather moved into the dorms, come what may - relapse being the biggest concern. Oh effing well.
Argh. At lunch, my in mom brought up that I was having bad body image in front of our little group, and my former therapist just smirks at me and asks, "What size are your shorts? Double zero?". Deadpan. I told her no and she kept guessing until she said the right size even though I told her I didn’t think it was appropriate to discuss. Since when did you have to be a certain size to have body image issues? (She’s a nice lady, she really is, but it wasn’t okay to bring up at lunch in front of another girl that struggles with an eating disorder.)
"Well at least I don’t have to worry about Mckenna eating [insert stereotypically unhealthy food here] "
Oh ha HA.
Years ago or even last year I would have easily brushed those jesting comments off, and hell I still do, but it’s gotten old. I’m supposed to be in “recovery” anyway, right?
A few weeks ago there was a specific occurrence that really made me angry: my mom ended up ordering burgers from a fast-food joint for everyone for dinner. My brother, my sister, my mom’s boyfriend, and herself. She didn’t even bother asking me if I wanted one, saying that she “knew I wouldn’t want one anyway”.
Yeah I have my bad days where I have to adopt a sort of liquid diet to check myself off for a decent caloric intake, but these occurrences have been inducing the mumbles and grumbles lately more often than not.
Seeing as my sister and I are bad-ass bitches, we sat down together and watched the animated The Hunchback of Notre Dame movie on Netflix.
I hadn’t seen it in years, and seeing the movie with a different (possibly more mature or just plain whiny?) perspective, I have different thoughts regarding Quasimodo and Esmeralda’s relationship. For instance, I used to pick at Esmeralda with the rest of my friends because she “led him on”.
But what did she do to lead him on? Virtually nothing. She was, seemingly, the first woman he’d ever encountered in such an intimate way, but because he falls in love with her, it’s easy to fall into the mindset that it’s horrible that she doesn’t love him back.
But it’s not her fault. She shouldn’t be picked at. She wasn’t obligated to love Quasimodo as a lover. They were good friends, and it’s her right to not try to love him back the way he loves her just because he’s the underdog and she’s the beautiful gypsy. Yes, it’s a Disney movie, but stereotypes don’t always have to be broken in order to produce the happiest ending any audience member could have imagined.
It’s natural that Quasimodo fell in love with the first person that was genuinely kind to him, but that doesn’t obligate Esmeralda to love him the same way. I know I’m probably sounding redundant at this point, but there are so many sounds around me right now that my mind’s kind of in a bunch and I can’t concentrate too well.
Speaking in earnest, I can’t wait to return home where I don’t feel judged 24/7. Living in an apartment with a dad I can’t trust and his psychologist girlfriend, who is nice but narks on me with fabricated wrongs I supposedly did, is stressful. Anxiety-provoking. And I’m a bit pissed-off and just ready to go home. I miss my mom, I miss my sister, and I even miss the rare GOOD times I have with my brother. My sister will be off to college soon and I want to cherish the time with her now that I have. The fucking downer of having a twin is that you’re going to have to be apart eventually.
*Warning: Strong language is used
What the FUCK was he thinking?? You can’t just read your daughter’s journal. No fucking way.
What the fuck? Fuck!
My dad read my journal while he was here. HOW did he think that was okay? And I didn’t even hear it from him. I’m so pissed right now. I’m embarrassed because it’s my personal journal where I write anything I please and it’s not for my fucking father to read.
I have that kind of anger right now that’s bubbling in my stomach.
This is not okay. One of the worst boundaries to cross, and I’m at the point where I wouldn’t even bother answering if he calls me, even though he’s all the way across the country and probably just wants to hear from his daughter. His self-absorbed, bitchy daughter.
I’m kind of stressed out right now because my dad’s visiting and all he can see is the weight I’ve lost since returning home. He can’t see how well I’ve been eating and that I don’t need to be treated like a baby. I know I can just prove it to me over the course of this week, but it just further brings to my attention how well I’ve been doing and that makes the unhealthy part of me queasy. I like to just try not to think about things like that most of the time.
But before I get hate - I don’t know, I’ve seen people complain about this before - I am VERY thankful that I have parents who care about my health and my general well-being. I’m just very easily frustrated and don’t want to be put back under the eagle eye. I love my dad very much.