I BETTER have done well on the test. I mean, I was tossing and turning for hours last night because every time I closed my eyes I saw the derivatives of exponential and natural log functions, integrals, and lots of unfun greek symbols. Couldn’t get back to sleep after 5 a.m either so that was my abnormal wake-up time, too. Woohoo.
I feel horrible that I skipped my philosophy of religion class yesterday, and that I hate the class. I’m just no good at it. Shouldn’t have taken it. Going to bomb this next paper. Ugh end of the semester needs to come now.
The thing about sitting in classes where subjects such as eating disorders, diets, body image, and models come up is that I’m not necessarily triggered by the information (I’ve heard all of that before) but I just get so frustrated with the ignorance of some people. Some of what is said are innocent mistakes that aren’t terribly hurtful but others are just so steam-is-coming-out-of-my-ears frustrating and it’s hard not to continually keep opening my mouth because I am really opinionated and passionate about the kind of knowledge spread and shared about these subjects.
I like to separate my darker past from my school life but I also don’t want to just sit there and let all the faulty information fester, you know? Just trying to keep a balance, I guess.
Wonderful daily reminder that scales are not happy things: yesterday I weighed myself on a scale at the grocery store and hated myself, hated the number it showed me.
TODAY, I was weighed by my dietician on HER scale and my weight was MAGICALLY almost three pounds less than my weight yesterday.
Be realistic here: there was no loss. Fluctuations happen, shit happens. Still learning myself to focus on happier, more important things. I still hate myself (a different number won’t change that) but self-loathing can’t fully disappear within a day, in my opinion.
One day at a time with the hope that you will get where you want to go.
The pictures of fresh cuts, blood seeping out in dark crimson lines, are romanticized; but no one puts disclaimers under those ‘beautifully tragic’ pictures such as the scars that stay behind for so long - the hurt you feel and the breath you suck in every time you see the scar because you remember how you couldn’t cope at that point in time. Some days maybe you can smile and remember how far you’ve come, and that’s good.
But just think of the things that aren’t mentioned below self-harm pictures, and how the glamorization is just a mask - and a horrible one at that because it is not o-fucking-kay to encourage or present it as any grandeur of specialness and beauty.
For me, it’s hard to feel cool or special at all for playing the ukulele, for two reasons:
1) I’m really not all that good at it
2) It’s an easy instrument to play….almost anyone can learn it. Same with singing. Yeah, you have to have some natural talent, I think, but with enough practice, it seems you can become a superstar with good enough connections. You see so many people auditioning or performing in talent shows as a singing act and most performing are at least mediocre. Takes real talent to rise above the mediocrity but I don’t think I’m one of those people.
It sucks giving myself reality checks.
I am going to study hard and do well on my calculus test if it is the last thing I do. I can’t deal with these mediocre grades; I need to do well. Goddammit I hate calculus. Study study study for a little longer tonight and then tomorrow.
You can tell how determined I am by the fact that I’m on tumblr at the moment. Har-dee-har-har.
In a class today we had a lecture about the incivility of today’s society. Apparently we’re the most cynicism-oriented generation yet we all think we’re special snowflakes, too.
Fuck that. And now I’m tired from fuming internally because I’m a rebellious cynic and all.
It still irritates me that a teacher of mine compared my ultra-sensitivity to discussions about eating disorders with other students to the sensitivity some students have to the Jim Crow documentaries we are currently watching, now a couple weeks after the ED/eating problems unit/section. I mean, what the fuck? It isn’t fair to compare those at all.
I can’t believe I’m actually trying to figure out how to shorten one of my papers, because the page limit the teacher gave us is impossible to not exceed because of requirements she made (ex - write about [insert topic here] and must be x pages long) which literally go over the page limit. Argh. I have to email the paper to her anyway so I might say something about it when I do because I doubt I’m the only one having trouble with it. And I obviously won’t try to sound condescending or all high and mighty of course because that would be dumb and disrespectful. Just frustrated.
Every freshman has required once-a-week lectures by a different professor/presenter each week. Last week it was hard to stay awake through it but today I got really pissed off and anxious.
The topic was privacy, and a situation was brought up in relation to the old TV show “To Catch a Predator” on Dateline. Basically, the presenter was planting the idea that perhaps it is unfair that the sexual predators be put on national television because of their reputation and what that will mean for the men (or women?) when they go out in public and are recognized.
My response to that: FUCK that. Sexual predators SHOULD be displayed to the public because it’s a matter of protecting children and young adults. If you didn’t watch the show (I didn’t either), the idea was luring sexual predators into custody by faking the profile of a young girl online and inviting the predators to the supposed girl’s house.
Anyway, what the fuck do I care about a sexual predator’s reputation? Nothing. No, I do not care. I’ve seen the effects of people through traumatic experiences such as rape and molestation. So the last thing I care about in that situation is the perpetrator’s reputation.
Also, the speaker compared the privacy of such a case to a totally harmless case of a girl’s privacy being violated when a stranger posted a picture of her at a nude beach. The difference there being that she wasn’t doing anything wrong and, at least from that example, wasn’t a threat to society. You CANNOT compare those two cases and then generally ask if there are privacy issues in our current culture with new technologies.
Additionally, I was really irritated by the speaker’s constant argument of what ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ be happening. It was all idealistic babble. Should someone post a picture of a naked girl online without her permission? Hell no. But does that happen? Yes. Should kids be bullied? No, no, no, no, no! But bullying will never be fully put to a stop. Even passing for bullying to be illegal wouldn’t be the cure-all. Some drugs are illegal but people still use and abuse them. We need to think in realistic terms. Yes it’s nice to hope that all the bad things in the world will go away and we can all be a happy nation, but do I think that’s realistically going to happen? No.
Oh, and fun times: for the first time in almost a year, I know my approximate weight. Like, how heavy I would be to carry. And damn, it’s really weird to think that it’s been nearly a year. But yes, I unfortunately, and totally by accident, caught a glimpse of my weight, give or take a couple of pounds ( I won’t go into detail why I don’t think the number I saw was completely accurate). Good news is that I’m not obsessing over it. Yet. Bad news is that, regardless, I have that number in my head and I won’t be able to get rid of it.
I have quite a long and embarrassing debacle that occurred today but because of no reason in particular, I’ve come here to vent about just one detail that simultaneously made me feel both embarrassed as well as curious.
Basic setting: I was trying to donate blood today and after I finished the fancy fancy paperwork (spoiler alert: didn’t actually end up being allowed to donate blood), one of the women running it, out of nowhere, asked me,
"Have you eaten today, Mckenna?"
I was so surprised. She hadn’t asked anyone else. So yes, I DID feel embarrassed because there were other guys sitting there getting ready to donate blood as well. Without too much hesitation I (as confidently as I could) replied, “Yes.”
Which was true. I’d eaten both breakfast and lunch at that point….
I dunno, that just bothered me a lot. The two reasons I couldn’t donate in the end were 1) I didn’t know the names of the vaccinations I’d received a few weeks before school started 2) I didn’t know my exact weight. Blah.