"All you have to do is eat."
Stupid fucking fire alarm went off while I was in bed. Even worse, I was in bed because I had an 8 am class and was trying to get some rest time before my next class at 11.
I’m at the point where, if anyone asks about anything, I’m going to blurt it all out:
YES I’VE HAD AN EATING DISORDER FOR SIX YEARS AND THE REASON I DIDN’T LIVE IN THE DORMS LAST YEAR WAS BECAUSE I’D GOTTEN OUT OF REHAB A FEW MONTHS BEFORE AND MY PARENTS DIDN’T WANT ME TO GO TO SCHOOL AND DIE.
ugh I’m going to take a nap. ‘Night night.
fucking HELL every time I get sweet potatoes from Publix I find these weird little brownish things inside and it’s absolutely disgusting. Totally turns me off. I guess it’s POPS cereal for lunch -_-
People forget I’m over 18 now. They threaten me saying, “You’re only a few pounds away from a feeding tube” which is actually ridiculous. They’d need my permission anyway, as I am a legal adult, and like hell I’d give ‘em it. I don’t need one of those little devils again.
A "friend" texted me the other day, and in this long rant he texted me, he told me I don’t understand people’s feelings. He said a few other hurtful things, but that hurt me the most by far. Even if he wasn’t trying to really be mean.
The most important thing to me is showing compassion to my friends and family, and being there for them. I want to help people so much, I want to make them smile and laugh and reassure them that they’re not alone because I love my friends and family so much. If you are my friend, remember that: I love you. You are never unloved.
I’m almost to the point where I can dismiss what this guy said because he really doesn’t know me well at all anyway. I’m almost there. But I can’t fully disbelieve it because it strikes a vulnerable part of me.
I’m a rebel sometimes. In, like, the bitchiest way possible.
See, I asked my mom if I should start packing today - since I’m moving into my new dorm room in five days. She said I shouldn’t yet and at first I thought, yeah okay whatever she says. But then she told me that she doesn’t think I should pack because “we’re worried about you”. Because I told her I briefly passed out the other night and there’s the purging thing and I told her I was having stomach cramps today which somehow worried her even though it’s really nothing to be worried about??
So, pretty much immediately after, I brought one of our jumbo suitcases upstairs to start packing.
I have a feeling the exercise I’m going to get while living in the school dorm will be limited to pumping my legs hella hard on the swingset, or trying to break a sweat walking around the tiny campus a billion times. Because THERE IS NO GYM ON MY CAMPUS AND THE NEAREST ONE IS NOT WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE.
NEDA has a volunteer program now where you can apply to become a “Navigator” where you can help others by
- helping people find ED resources, local treatment options, etc
- directing people to helpful ED books, websites, etc
- Sharing personal stories in order to give insight, etc
- decrease feelings of isolation
I would absolutely LOVE to do this. To at least apply even. But. One of the [valid] requirements is that one must be “well into their recovery”, if they are indeed someone who has suffered with an eating disorder their self.
Like, godfuckingdammit. I CAN’T say anymore that I’m “well into my recovery” and I especially wouldn’t want to lie about NEDA even in an application.
I really want to do something like this and help. But I can’t. And it makes me really sad.