I didn’t think I was going to mention this tonight because I’m still really angry and frustrated and depressed about it. My mom wrote up a contract for me to sign today, and she threatened that if I didn’t sign it, she was going to get me admitted into treatment ASAP. Also, if I violate any of the rules in the contract, I get admitted to treatment ASAP.
Fuck contracts, seriously.
Some of the rules in the contract:
- If I self-harm or purge at ANY TIME then I’ll be admitted into treatment ASAP.
- All meals will be made for me, I can’t watch my mom make them, and I have to eat everything she gives me
- I only get 30 minutes to eat each meal and I can’t watch TV (I hate this very much because TV helps distract me from my thoughts and I’m more prone to a panic attack of some sort if I’m alone with my thoughts)
- Possibly have to have showers monitored
- Body checks for self harm every morning
- I have to be in my mom’s presence for 30 min to an hour after meals, even if that means following her around
- If I don’t finish a meal or whatever, the first offense will be no computer for 24 hours. Second offense is NO electronics for 24 hours (computer, iPod, phone, TV, etc) and so on.
- No exercise
- 3 Ensures a day with meals (what I’ve been doing, but now the meals are going to be much larger because SHE’S making them)
So, basically I’m going to be facing what I would inpatient…without being inpatient. I’m surprised that I don’t have to fucking sleep in the same room as her at night. Heck, I’m allowed on Tumblr? Not for long, I bet. Not with my luck. Obviously I’m pissed off and I hate myself, I hate my body, and I want to swallow the painkillers I stole from my mom’s room the other day, but there isn’t enough in the bottle to overdose.