Pretty sure I’m going to be marked against on one of the question’s on yesterday’s Women’s Studies quiz but I really don’t think Becky Thompson, author of “a hunger so deep and so wide”, meant to say that food was the BEST coping mechanism for dealing with trauma. That misinterpretation doesn’t fly with me, not at all.
Showing 26 posts tagged ed
I am the fucking luckiest duck alive. So, today the formidable woman I call my primary therapist couldn’t make it to my therapy appointment due to reasons I won’t mention here, and I instead just saw my other…counselor? I don’t know what to call him anymore. Anyway, he’s the empathetic, no-bullshit but in a good way guy.
Bad news: I lost a significant amount of weight over the two week period. My BMI is lower than it has been in over a year and a half. Certainly not the lowest I’ve been, but it’s not where it’s supposed to be. To make it clear, I was NOT expecting this. I was expecting a pound or two lost at most, but…well, today was a surprise. My “counselor” was less surprised than I was. However, I am not counting this as a relapse because I wasn’t necessarily trying to lose weight and I didn’t restrict as much as I would have otherwise.
Good news: Because he’s a good guy and because my primary therapist is distracted, he’s not going to tell her unless she specifically asks AS LONG AS I gain weight by our next appointment on Monday. Yes, it will be water and sodium weight, but I need to be okay with that and do what I need to to get there. I know if my primary therapist would have been there today, I could be in the hospital by now. She tends to overreact, in my opinion.
So, yeah. That’s the update. It’s going to be fucking hard and I’m probably going to cry like a wee baby, but I’m going to do it. School, school, school. I want to go to school in the fall, but I have to keep up my end of the deal.
and not leave a footprint
I wanna walk in the snow
and not soil its purity"
So, I don’t know why exactly, but I have this terrible urge to purge. I don’t want to keep my lunch down, and even though my sister is downstairs, I know I could go upstairs to do the dirty deed.
Reasons not to purge:
- Legally Blonde the musical chances—> less
- Will disappoint my mom
even though she doesn’t have to know
- It doesn’t truly solve anything
- It’s one step closer to going back in-patient
- I get weighed tomorrow, and I sort of need to be up
- It’s only giving in
- If I keep giving into these urges, I’m just going to be another statistic
- I hate purging.
I prefer restricting.I hate the vile taste
- "Maybe I’ve grown too strong, but I’ve also grown too strong to turn back now”
- What I do purge up won’t be enough to make enough of a difference. I won’t be back to xx lbs after purging ONCE
- My voice will get ruined if I make it too bad a “session”. One time I wasn’t able to sing for days.
That awkward moment when you think you have abs, but with a closer look you realize it’s just your ribs.
Amazingly enough, I was kind of disappointed…
before ED kicked in again.
I can never say anything around them.
"I can’t do it"
"Yes you can"
"It’s not that easy"
You just say "yes”. You just say “no”. You "just do it".
And I know it’s that easy (don’t even bother denying it) but it’s still hard, if you know what I mean. I
can’t won’t make the decision to “just do it”. Whether it is body acceptance or giving in to recovery, it’s not that I can’t make the decision; I won’t.
That’s what makes this so difficult. It’s not that I can’t do any of this, because I know it is physically possible. I just won’t do it. Or I am technically right now, but I don’t want to. Not for me. I don’t deserve it, I know I don’t. And I don’t want to deserve it either.
I can want to cry and need to cry all I want, but that doesn’t mean the tears are going to come.
It all just kills you sometimes, you know? All the feelings felt, all the things that have happened…and I’m still considered a youngster. No wonder I don’t want to get older.
You are responsible for every action you take, negative or positive. Others can influence you, trigger you, but you are the one who ultimately decides to act on the impulse, whether this means you cut, starve, purge, binge, etc.
You are in charge and in control of every move you make. Remember that. Unless someone is literally holding a blade to your arm or restricting you from eating food or forcing food into your mouth or a hand down your throat, you cannot blame them. You can only blame yourself in the end
and that’s what makes this so hard.