I’m going to be that OMG girl for a minute here.
I had a small epiphany last night as I was lying in bed staring at the wall. Here’s the big question:
Why do I love restricting/starving so much?
I finally found a really good answer to that. Well, it’s not very good, but it makes resonates very well with me.
Here’s the thing: I’ve been quite self-destructive the past few years; I’ve cut, scratched, purged, and starved.
However, all of these things (purging maybe an exception) all bring pain. Sometimes, I like the pain. I crave the pain. But with restricting I numb myself. I was lying in bed last night with a terrible urge to scratch my arm raw because I kept it quite clean for Rent.
But then I had this thought: I don’t want the pain. I want to numb it. I wanted to become comfortably numb.
Now, here’s the thing with restricting: at first, it is terribly painful. Emotionally, physically. There’s a lot of pain involved. But after a few days, a few weeks, a few months…it all goes away. Numbness does in fact take over, and that is one of the things I love most about the restriction. There is such…relief in not having to feel so much.
And here is where purging might be the exception: Purging probably has the same effect. It may numb you emotionally after a long period of time..but I wouldn’t know because the longest consecutive amount of time I purged was 2-3 months, once a day.
But here’s another thing: I f***ing hate purging. I’m lazy, and so it feels like more effort on my side. Hence why I never had much of an exercise problem either. I exercised, yes, but I didn’t overdo it. Long walks every day and crunches at night - and DAMN did my spine get bruises from that. Still does sometimes.
Restricting makes me feel numb. Sometimes I feel like I love that too much - too much as in I can’t give it up.
Sad story. But as for this rant: