I never promised you a rose garden. I never promised perfection or a person safe or comfortable in her skin. But I'm trying.
I read something on another site the other day that was comforting, something I’d forgotten in this recent mess:
"When I was at my lowest weight, I felt like I could weigh 128+ (128 was the weight that I started at) when I was about 40 pounds lighter than that. Now I’m 15-20 pounds heavier and I feel skinny and fit. The reason why this happens is because your mind plays tricks on you when you are not eating enough. I think you already know that you are underweight but your ED won’t let you believe it. When you fight it long and hard enough, I promise that you will see yourself completely differently than you do now."
I try to look at pictures of me at a [slightly] higher weight, and sometimes I CAN see that I don’t look any different than I do now. I look down at my body now and I see that I actually look bigger, which doesn’t make sense at all, right? I heard something similar to the above italisized text in treatment, and I truly believe its accuracy.
When we are at a lower weight, our brains aren’t functioning properly; therefore we are looking through distorted eyes and thinking irrational thoughts. We can’t see ourselves as we are. We can tell ourselves that we are fat at an underweight or healthy BMI, but that doesn’t mean it’s true. Our brain believes anything we believe it.
Example: No matter how beautiful a girl is, if she is told by someone else or herself that she is ugly, she will believe it. The only way she can see herself as beautiful is if she tells her brain/herself that she is beautiful. It will take more than one “I’m beautiful” for it to go into effect, but your brain will believe anything you tell it, because the truth is what you lead yourself to believe until you rectify it yourself.