I honestly wish people wouldn’t care about me..i mean it SUCKS when you just think you’re disappointing your family and pissing off the doctors and everyone who is trying to HELP YOU. It makes me feel like a bitch because I wont listen to anyone but myself.
August 2012
My counsellor told me if you put vaseline on the scars will heal better. Also, BioOil. It's expensive but it really does help...Mine are almost gone, thin silver lines now.
Yeah, I have some really good oil, too. I just never use it…
That’s very nice of you to suggest it though. Thank you.
- person: Wow, I'm so proud of you! you're doing so well!
- me: but I'm not
- person: Keep it up girl! I can tell you're almost recovered!
- me: but I'm not
- person: I'm so happy that you're feeling better these days!
- me: but I'm not
I'm sorry your having a tough time right now. You were meant to recover, be happy, and live your life! You should be able to go to school and feel beautiful because you are. You are so gorgeous and I hope you will see that.
It’s really hard to believe sometimes. I wonder if I really should have lived this long…though since I’m still alive, I guess that means something.
Thank you.
“I have finally concluded, maybe that’s what life is about: there’s a lot of despair, but also the odd moment of beauty, where time is no longer the same. It’s as if those strains of music created a sort of interlude in time, something suspended, an elsewhere that had come to us, an always within never.
Yes, that’s it, an always within never” —The elegance of the hedgehog by Muriel Barbery (via sarahharasb)
Yes, that’s it, an always within never” —The elegance of the hedgehog by Muriel Barbery (via sarahharasb)
Oh, and my meds got changed. My mood is going to crash and burn. Just my prediction.
Backwards failure
They tell me I’m doing good and that my thinking has turned around…and that triggers me to no end. Suddenly I’m looking fatter, I’m feeling fatter, and I want to purge even though everything that I ate hours ago is already digested. Also sad for another reason that is more personal.
All this recovery business makes me feel like a failure. It’s very backwards, and the rational part of my mind recognizes that, but the other part just does not give a care. I don’t want to keep disappointing them, but I don’t feel like I was meant to recover, to eat, to be at a healthy weight. That’s stupid, right? I’m stuck between a face-palm and a sad sigh because a part of me really does believe that’s true.
And sometimes when you lot send me compliments and support I just sit there staring at it and cry because I simply can’t see what everyone else sees in me. It’s awful not even knowing what I look like, really.
Like seriously why can’t we just transfer things on our bodies to each other
You think you’re too skinny? Have 10 pounds of mine. Your hair is too thick? Good, mine is too thin, give me some of yours. You need a haircut? Just add that length to my hair. You’re too tall? Give me a few inches. You have blue eyes but want brown eyes? We can trade.
It would just make things so much easier.
Congratulations to my friend, Jess, who was discharged from treatment today
I’m so proud of her. And absolutely elated that she’s sounding better. That is all.
We should all just be each other's happy pills
I should really just eat this sh*t and not care
