I’m still “in school” but not physically. I’m part of a hospital/homebound program with my school, and have been since I was actually sent to a hospital in September. (TMI?)
I hid it so well before. Could I hide it as well now?
I am not a recovery blog.
I am not an ED blog.
You know what kind of blog this one?
Who the hell knows, I don’t even know
I have a…mental illness. A few. And while it doesn’t define me
yes it does, it is all but literally consuming my life right now.I have no life. I know that sounds cliche and lame, but here’s the evidence:
- I don’t go to school
- I only have a few friends in the area and honestly, the ED thing is awkward
- I have social anxiety as it is
- I have chosen to let my life be taken over by the happenings of the past three or so (
So, it seems that I am running a recovery blog. But alas, I am not. I reblog anything really. I follow a lot of health and recovery blogs, so I reblog a lot of health related stuff.
But I reblog other stuff, too; if I can think about music or books I love that day, you can bet they’ll be on my dash.
The point is: I just don’t want you to be disappointed. This is a personal blog..best way to put it. Kayla (odolnost) inspired me because even though my ED is a big part of my life right now, I don’t want to dedicate everything to it. It’s like, “Mckenna’s here, somewhere! She’s right over here! Right behind ED, you see?”
Recovery isn’t a joke.
It’s not easy.
It’s DEFINITELY not fun.
It’s not some easy-to-navigate gravel road.
No, you’ve gotta take an axe and cut down your own goddamn trees and make your own goddamn path because there sure as hell isn’t one that’s already cut out for you.
I should not be allowed in a bookstore with a wallet
Or an art store.
Or a yarn store.
Anywhere with pretty shiny things is a bad choice. I guess I shouldn’t be allowed in bead stores either.
Or a music store. (Including but not limited to places that sell CDs and places that sell guitars.)
Don’t let me loose in Forever 21 with a credit card. I’ll come out empty-handed, overcome with guilt, but man, I’ll just have too good a time.
Numbers that don’t define you:
- The amount of pounds you weigh
- The circumference of your waist
- The number of people you’ve had sex with
- Your age
- The number of scars on your body
- How many calories you ate today
- Your GPA
- The amount of money in your wallet
Numbers that do define you:
May 31, 2012 is MCR Quote Day. It’s totally official because it’s on Facebook, yo.
“Did you come to stare or wash away the blood?” ~ Desert Song
“Remember back then when we met, you told me this gets harder? Well, it did” ~ It’s not a fashion statement, it’s a fucking deathwish
“Mama, we all go to hell” ~ Mama
“‘Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you” ~ Cancer
“But does anything matter if you’re already dead” ~ Early Sunsets over Monroeville
“How wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying” ~ Our Lady of Sorrows
“Take my fucking hand and never be afraid again” ~ Our Lady of Sorrows
“As snow falls on desert sky, until the end of everything. I’m trying, I’m trying to let you know how much you mean. As days fade and nights grow, and we go cold” ~ Demolition Lovers
“All we are is bullets, I mean this” ~ Demolition Lovers
“And in this pool of blood, and as we’re falling down
I’ll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood
I’ll meet your eyes, I mean this forever “ ~ Demolition Lovers
“I’ve lost my fear of falling; I will be with you” It’s not a fashion statement, it’s a fucking deathwish
“I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone” ~ Famous Last Words
“Came a time when every star-fall brought you to tears again. We are the very hurt you sold” Helena
“It was a lie when they smiled and said, ‘you won’t feel a thing’” ~ Disenchanted
“You’re just a sad song with nothing to say about a life-long wait for a hospital stay” ~ Disenchanted
“How will it matter long after I’m gone? Because you never learned a goddamned thing” ~ Disenchanted
“If life ain’t just a joke, then why are we laughing? If life ain’t just a joke, then why am I dead? ~ Dead
“You sing the words but don’t know what it means to be a joke” ~ I’m not okay (I promise)
“I’m just the way that the doctors made me” ~ Thank you for the venom
“This hole you put me in wasn’t deep enough, and I’m climbing out right now” It’s not a fashion statement, it’s a fucking deathwish
“For the last night I lie, could I lie with you?” The Jetset Life is Gonna Kill You
“And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall; fall on your tongue like pixie dust, just think happy thoughts and you’ll fly home” ~ Headfirst for Halos
“Our memories defeat us” ~ Early Sunsets over Monroeville
“Does the television make you feel all of the pills you ate?” ~ Kids from yesterday
“Hello, Angel, tell me: where are you? Tell me where we go from here” ~ Skylines and Turnstiles
“And after seeing what we saw, can we still reclaim our innocence?” Skylines and Turnstiles
“Without a sound and I wish you away” Drowning Lessons
“Life is but a dream for the dead” ~ You know what they do to guys like us in prison
“I’d encourage your smiles
I’ll expect you won’t cry” ~ The End
Trying to tell ED to shut the hell up. NO, I don’t have to purge because my stomach feels uncomfortably bloated.
Some people went out of their way tonight to make me feel extra special and be extra nice to me. I’m not going to ruin the night by purging. Nope. Nuh-uh. Not a chance. *Keep telling yourself that, Mckenna*
…You have no idea. I saw this in my inbox, and I thought to myself, “Hmm. I haven’t seen this name before” and after reading this…Wow, I really just don’t know what to say. This is just such a sweet message. I can be such a RENThead and such, but I obviously do have my issues, and I just feel so…grateful that you can accept me as I am, problems and all.
“Take me for what I am; who I was meant to be!”
Sorry, had to fit that in there. I can’t imagine someone taking the time to scroll through my blog, but damn, I almost started crying reading this message. Sorry if I’m getting a bit redundant.
And you can message me ANY TIME if you want. If you want to talk about musicals or other stuff, just let me know :)
Again, thank you so much. This really made my day. <3
EDIT: I hope this puts a smile on YOUR face: I was just sitting here, all but growling at my night snack, and then I read THIS. You are just so nice for sending this. I’ve said that so many times, haven’t I? Well, it’s true. I am lucky to have such a nice person message me. *Gah, I’ll just stop now*
My friend Lily is recovering/recovered from an eating disorder. She was entered into treatment at the age of 11 and she is a very kind person. If you want to ask her any more questions, I’m sure she’d love to answer. She wants to motivate others as much as she can because she’s AWESOME.
But in my world there’s no compromise” —I stand alone - Quest for Camelot