February 2012
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Journal Entries: Day 37
July 5, 2010
Praise the Lord. Averie used Diet Coke [to flush my tube]! And you thought I had lost my mind. Peggy had me pegged down for ginger ale, but Averie was like, “I’ve got a better idea”. And badda-boo-badda-bing.
Lunch was sort of killer (pitaplussalad) but breakfast went down…eh. I’m guessing p.m snack = no go.
Later
My arms...
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Journal Entries: Day 36
July 4, 2010
[Note: most of the writing in this entry is near-unintelligible because of how hard it was for me to write with my shaking hands. Somehow (don’t ask me how) I managed to decipher the scribbles on the journal page]
Fourth of July. And stuck here. Whoop?
Interesting occurrence last night: Sydney T and Karalyn (my roommates) found a block of cheese behind...
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January 2012
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Journal Entries: Day 35
July 3, 2010
I think I just broke the printer. Damn. [This next journal entry was entirely typed, not written. The entry will explain all.]
Today is a…day with a ‘to’ in front of it. That is all. All the mumbo-jumbo in the day is resting in ‘yester’. Sorry to disappoint.
Breakfast was a disaster. I took supplement for it, yes, but the bloating...
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Journal Entries: Day 34
July 2, 2010
God is not so merciful. Damn me is you will. I’m still here. I’m still alive; that’s a burden in itself. I’m also bloated as hell - yes, I’d imagine that hell would be very bloated. It’s the home of the devil after all. All those demons.
Found out a piece of upsetting information today; well, actually three: Lauren (patient)...
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Journal Entries: Day 33
July 1, 2010
‘Tis July, and a fair morning it is. It’s not humid, the air is not swarming and buzzing with flies. It’s nice.
I will never be embarrassed to do my business in a public bathroom again - yes, me the subtle subject-switcher. No particular event, but its become a very non-stressful necessity of my day. For instance, there’s those times when...
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Journal Entries: 32
June 30, 2010
Damn. It took me today and yesterday to remember those lyrics [recall the lyrics I posted in the last entry]. Very sad.
Refused part of breakfast (1/2 apple juice, eggs, hashbrown) but I ate snack. Yes, those stupid craisins and my knowledge of their calorie content.
Today’s ensemble: white, over-sized NAVY t-shirt, black pantyhose, soccer shorts, red and...
By the way
By the time I finished that last post, that fleeting spark of hope was gone.
Of course.
The question isn’t even “When will it leave me alone?” anymore.4
At least I’m burning calories by dancing around to these gorgeous songs.
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Rent
I’m watching Rent with my sister and it’s times like these that I want to tell my eating disorder, “Fuck you!”. Not just say it but actually mean it.
Back-story: I’m actually in a production of Rent right now and if I don’t at least maintain my weight, I’m going to have to quit in exchange for a lovely tube to head right back up one of my nostrils.
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Journal Entries: Day 31
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Stupid sandwich - lunch. Breakfast was a demon, and as far as snack? Pssh.
Amy (therapist) set Amber off on a bullshit run, messing her head and emotions up with that blender of hers. It’s been a few days of consistent bawling for everyone: Rachel, Amber, etc.
Now you see, the thing with Rachel is (of course) fueled by the demon herself, Lauren...
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Journal Entries: Day 30
June 28, 2010
Starting out the day the healthy way with over a half an hour of nothing. This method is called boring - and you wonder why. Honestly, they give us more than an hour to get ready [in the morning before we’re required to be in the milieu]; at this rate, they might as well give us some extra time to sleep.
Snooooze.
Roommate switch: Lauren —>...
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Homework assignment: CHECK THIS OUT NOW →
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Reality
Ed: You're a fucking idiot.
Me: You're a f***ing idiot.
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Journal Entries: Day 29
June 27, 2010
A day of just one refusal. Yup. I went through most of the day as a fatty, and as I’m sitting here, I realize I still am.
Amanda’s mom is amazing - that’s all I have to say; she further proved her incredible, maternal kindness by bringing me black nail polish (oh yeah!) and a black bracelet.
My conversation with Mother Dearest a short time ago...
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Journal Entries: Day 28
June 26, 2010
Events of last night: Ra gave birth to an extra-large “refrigerator” last night and Sarah peed herself laughing when it wouldn’t flush. The next half hour consisted of Sarah chasing Amanda, with the intention of smothering Amanda with her dirty underwear.
With no other choice, Amanda, Syd, and I quarantined ourselves in Amanda’s room,...
And the events of the night
1. Probably the most important: I went directly against my dietician’s orders and ordered a tuna salad salad from Subway for dinner at the mall. I was told to never again get a salad for an entree - especially during the weight-gain process. However, I dismissed this by telling myself that I was challenging myself with the tuna salad because it is actually a fear food, but inside, I knew...
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Dear ED
*This is a letter I wrote to my eating disorder a few months back. I haven’t shared this with anybody but my therapist…
I hate you so much. I can’t see you, I can’t feel you, but I can hear you. You make me cry, there’s a switch that you pull on the other side of my tear ducts. You pull and you pull, but sometimes you make me work for it. I can only cry if...
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This is for you, ED
Die Die, My Darling - The Misfits
This one is for you, ED.
Die, die, die my darling Don’t utter a single word Die, die, die my darling Just shut your pretty mouth I’ll be seeing you again I’ll be seeing you in hell Don’t cry to me oh baby Your future’s in an oblong box, yeah Don’t cry to me oh baby Should have seen it a-comin’ on Don’t cry to...
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Next to Normal
Yes, I am next to normal but below are lyrics from the musical Next to Normal. The funny thing is, these lyrics have nothing to do with an eating disorder but that’s how it translates in my mind. In my mind, this is my ED speaking to me.
“I am what you want me to be And I’m your worst fear, you’ll find it in me Come closer Come closer I am more than memory, I am what...
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Lethargic!
Not a new poem, but it’s very fitting right now. Lethargy seems to be taking over, despite the breakfast I had this morning. Perhaps it’s not a new day after all and yesterday is intent on taking over again.
I am full of energy
You are full of energy
Lets be lethargic!
The great imperative: to
Rot away as we succumb
To the other girls
Lethargic!
We’ll simply stop
Eating and...
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January's Musings (TW)
“Come on, skinny love; what happened here?”
Back and forth, my sweet
Concubine
Dissolve, flow into
The beauty you pine
For, in-between the gray lines
The sun laughs; don’t you
remember? It no longer shines
Parting my lips to your melodic
Heart beats. Underneath the layer,
The cover of steel rusts in rhyme
The hunger for perfection grows stronger in time
I...
Watching the end of "The Phantom of the Opera"...
swelldame:
When Christine leaves Erik (The Phantom) for Raoul:
When he smashes the mirrors and leaves his lair:
When we see the rose on Christine’s grave:
When Minnie Driver’s “Learn to Be Lonely” starts playing:
Still my favorite movie of all-time:
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One of my Poems
Babyface
As most of my poems do, this relates to my ED. But feel free to see your own meaning in it.
Baby-face
Disappear without a trace
Hold your weight
Succumb to the fire
Walk a mile
Though I’m sure you’ll tire
Stand over the toilet
Whisper “hello”
Vomit sprinkled like pixie-dust
Make a wish and blow
To be your baby-girl
I swear
If this is the life I have to live
I’ll fare
To be held in your...
