So I told my first person at school about my anorexia + rehab. I think it was easier for me because she doesn’t live on my campus and doesn’t really know anyone else here, so of course I don’t really think she’ll tell anyone here. What really pushed me to tell her, I guess, was after she mentioned that her friend was currently in rehab for heroin addiction.
And she responded okay, which is a relief. It was just a quick confession. Said I’d been in rehab four times for anorexia. Badda-boo-badda-bing. She said she has some friends who have been through the same thing, and that she won’t judge. Which is nice of her, and we didn’t talk about it after that. We just dropped it and it was okay.
I seem to be on this kick lately reminding myself that no one cares what I have to say. As long as I’m smiling, no one cares about the words coming out of my mouth. I can’t really convince myself otherwise.
cutest thing ever: I was walking out of my dorm in a nice outfit (black casual dress, black pantyhose, Doc Marten boots, and a silver studded belt) and this guy walking in front of me looks behind him, sees me, and says, “You look great!” And not in the ‘Damn girl you look HELLA FINE’ way but sincerely. I didn’t recognize him, but he added, ‘Even though I don’t know you’ and d’aww that was just adorable and made my morning.
I could swear I saw a recovery symbol drawn on one of my friend’s hands last night…which would make since because I’m 99% sure he has/had an ed. Not going to just ask though; if he wants to tell me, he will. If not, then that’s his decision.
When I was in the hospital I was roomed with a schizophrenic And she was the most gentle person I have ever met There was a boy with a long deep slit across his neck Who told very funny jokes A girl who never spoke a word Would draw the most beautiful pictures The boy who shook with anxiety Could hold the most intelligent conversations Even the girl who screamed in her sleep and picked at her skin Had a heart the size of the ocean We are not who you think we are
Today is not my day. I went to use my mail box key and, even though I haven’t even used it yet and I’ve kept it in one specific pocket of my purse with my room key, I CAN’T FIND IT. I looked in all the other parts of my purse too but it’s not anywhere. I don’t even know how much it costs to replace.
I’m at the point where, if anyone asks about anything, I’m going to blurt it all out:
YES I’VE HAD AN EATING DISORDER FOR SIX YEARS AND THE REASON I DIDN’T LIVE IN THE DORMS LAST YEAR WAS BECAUSE I’D GOTTEN OUT OF REHAB A FEW MONTHS BEFORE AND MY PARENTS DIDN’T WANT ME TO GO TO SCHOOL AND DIE.
if the guy who got shot was white none of you would give a fuck tho
people who look like you and me don’t get targeted by the police, people who look like you and me don’t get shot in the street by the people who are paid to protect us, people who look like me and you shoot up schools and get called “misunderstood” by the mainstream media. that’s the point
If the guy who got shot was white, Darren Wilson would already have been arrested.
I feel like such an annoying bother when I start conversation with someone, especially with someone I don’t really know (which is actually rare for me), but hopefully that’s not always true?? Like, for some reason, I just started talking to this guy after we were leaving Spanish this morning and we talked for a few minutes as we were walking back to the dorms - though I say goodbye because I went back into the dining hall to get coffee, haha.
I dunno, it seemed natural but I feel like I must annoy people whenever I do that.
do you ever cook something in the microwave but it’s still really cold in the middle and you just keep eating it instead of heating it longer because life is pointless and entropy is unavoidable and the universe is filled with callous and casual destruction
America is some fucked up dystopian shit honestly like how are y’all even surviving? Paying for healthcare? $60,000 on tuition? POC getting shot in Wal-Marts? White men shooting up elementary schools? That’s terrifying I’m worried about all of you
America doesn’t seem that terribly horrible when you live here day to day and you’ve known nothing else but when somebody says something like this it fucks you up really good.
Well that was one excruciating dinner. I feel like such a joke. On my way back to the dorm I stopped by the path that would lead me to where my car is parked like, far far away (stupid parking). It’s awesome having my own car because I knew, looking down that path, that I could go anywhere if I wanted. I could go to B&N and spend all the money in my bank account, or drive to a bridge to jump off of. Who knows? But I don’t think I’m going to jump off a bridge today - much safer and at least a little bit healthier to just fantasize about it. har har har
It’s just me and my fuckin’ 2 liter bottle of diet root beer. Oh wellz
Effective communication, similar interests (so you have things to talk about), abuse-free, cuddling, dorky moments that make you both laugh, and generally just being best friends with the person. Romantic, too, of course if it’s that kind of a relationship. But I would want my significant other to be not just someone to fuck (excuse my language) but to hang out with and enjoy life with as well. ALSO majorly important is that we’re not completely dependent on each other, because I think that kind of seems like a setup for disaster
The dining hall is actually better than I expected, I think, (except for the salad bar, which kind of sucks) but I’m still really anxious getting food I don’t know in terms of nutritional info. I mean, I don’t even use measuring cups with the stuff I eat in my room, but somehow it’s still easier? Eh I dunno
EDIT: Also also I went in to get some coffee this morning (like, only coffee because I had breakfast in my room) but since just getting that counts as one of my meals for the day - that’s how the meal plan works here - I had thought about maybe grabbing a banana for later, too. And then the lady at the front, where I “paid” for my meal, said, “Here’s a box, you might as well get more than one fruit for later” and I dunno I just thought that was so sweet.
-You become emotionally attached. -You can’t hug them whenever you want to which is something you often forget. -You find people who don’t judge you. At all. -You have to learn time zones. That’s a real bummer. -You find people who love you for you. -You sometimes cry because you just love them so much and get super emotional when you realize they are thousands of miles away from you.