At least in reading Madness, even though I am not bipolar, based on Marya’s experiences, I don’t feel as if I’m completely lazy or stupid for feeling like I physically cannot accomplish schoolwork some rare days - as if doing so would kill me - because of my depression. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed or feel as if I can’t, or if I attempt schoolwork, I will open my laptop and only be able to stare at the screen with an apathetic expression. And then there are the days I don’t even want to get out of bed to go on Tumblr, let alone schoolwork. I’ll eat then sleep then eat like a good girl then sleep, but I’ll have no desire to do anything else. Those are really bad days.
Who was your dietician at CFC and did you like him or her?
My dietician was Natalie and, as a person, she is very nice and I liked her a lot. Buuut I can never really love any dieticians because food and eating disorder and lkgsldhfklsdfhlsdf. But she was very helpful and I was glad to have her as part of my treatment team while I was there.
Add to the pros that I like the Center’s philosophy on normal eating: basically, after re-feeding and re-regulating your metabolism, learning how to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full. The goal is not to have to eat based off of an exchange or calorie system the rest of your life. In fact, if you reach a certain stage in the program, YOU get to pick out what food you eat that is offered at meal times and how much you eat; obviously if you lose or gain a significant amount of weight with that freedom, your dietician will probably change that but yeah. I got to that place and it was awesome to be able to have that freedom to eat based on hunger cues and not get reprimanded by staff for leaving an appropriate amount of food on my plate, all depending.
I want to be beautiful but not fret about beauty standards,
Be thin but not obsess over any fluctuations on the scale,
Be well-off but not base my happiness off of the numbers that make up my bank account.
The other day I was at an airport (horrible experience, had been there seven hours waiting for a flight that kept getting delayed delayed delayed until it was FINALLY just cancelled) and boarded a shuttle bus with a somewhat group of people to get where I needed to go. Two Vietnamese men sat a row in front of me and before the bus had even moved, one of the men turned around and showed me his hand which showed a phone number and, in broken English, asked me if he could borrow my phone for two minutes to make a call.
Obviously I was anxious handing the phone to a stranger but he seemed very desperate and after him repeating himself a few times, I felt I couldn’t refuse and pretend like I couldn’t understand him. Also, I figured he couldn’t run off with my phone because a) we were on a bus b) he was an older man so it’s not like I wouldn’t be able to use force if necessary to grab my phone back.
He couldn’t dial the numbers, so I read the number off his hand and dialed for him. True to his word, he spent probably less than a minute on the phone, asking someone to pick him up at the other airport when we arrived in the bus. He gave the phone back to me and I felt relieved. Then the man sitting next to him turned around eagerly and held a scrap of paper with a couple phone numbers on it and a five dollar bill. He spoke in broken English as well. At this point I wasn’t feeling too great and was a bit worried because the battery in my phone wasn’t too charged to begin with. But then this man looked so desperate as well and then laid the bomb on me: he, and presumably the other man, had just flown in from Vietnam and was in a foreign country needing to make sure he had a ride from the airport.
Now this sort of hit home on a personal level because I know firsthand how scary it can be arriving in a foreign country among strangers where you do not speak the language, due to when my family moved from the United States to Okinawa for a couple years.
So, I let the man use my phone and he promised only two minutes as well. I dialed for this man as well but with less anxiety this time. He pushed the five dollar bill in his hand my way and both before and after he used the phone I tried to give the money back to him but he insisted and wouldn’t take it back. I still felt bad, but I kept the money in the end with gratitude for his kind gesture. Just like the other man, he
Anyway that was a good moment of that rotten day. Where I felt like a good person. I’m glad I was able to help them.
“There exists in this world a spider the size of a dinner plate, a foot wide if you include the legs. It’s called the Goliath Bird-Eating Spider, or the ‘Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider’ by those who have actually seen one.”—David Wong (Jason Pargin)
Have you ever taken any sort of antidepressant/antianxiety medication? If so, what kind? Any experiences or recommendations?
I have taken quite a few different kinds but am not relatively stable on three which combat depression and anxiety.
I can’t say this or that med works because the effectiveness of the pill truly differs from person to person. For instance, I had a HORRIBLE reaction with bad side effects from medication x (x as in nameless for now) but I’ve heard other people praise the med for how much it helped them.
Currently I’m taking Zoloft (pretty standard anti-d), Lamictal (to help with the depression), and Haldol for anxiety.
I strongly recommend making sure you know what you’re getting into with some medications that have addictive qualities, like Klonipin. I find it helps with anxiety but I’ve heard it can get addicting and hard to get off of.
I’m sorry, I’m not a psychiatrist and don’t really have license to say which meds are good or not, but if there is any other way I can help you, just drop another ask in my box.
“That though the radiance which was once so bright be now forever taken from my sight. Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, glory in the flower. We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind.”—William Wordsworth (via fables-of-the-reconstruction)
My therapist said he has to admit that I read a wide variety of books - in regards to the subject matter. I take that as a major compliment that only boosts my bookworm ego, haha. Of course he’s the one that reads war novels and Jack Reacher as well as Divergent and The Hunger Games…and he’s a 68 year-old man.