I don’t know what the hell kind of vegetarian slop I ate for dinner, and even though I initially felt like I got a too-big portion of it, it was almost gone by the time I decided I’d had enough. Why? ‘Cause I made the unexpected, crazy decision to sit down next to a couple of guys I sort of know outside the dining hall to eat with them. I don’t know where I gathered the gall but they didn’t seem to mind too much at least, haha, and we talked and joked about random stuff and then all of a sudden I’d eaten almost all of what I’d put on my plate. Wowza. At least I…tried to be social. May have just further confirmed my status as a loser but hey I at least ~tried~ to be confident-ish.
Didn’t even bother closing the door when I talked to my dad on the phone about my meds (got a change in ‘em today). I mean, yeah, my roommates are here but I don’t actually care if they hear. Yeah they could tell other people if they give enough of a damn to gossip but if that bothers others or convinces them to, for some reason, stay away from me (???) then whatever. Sometimes it’s just too much of a bother to censor.
EDIT: as long as they don’t try to come in my room and steal my meds while I’m asleep/out. HAH. Besides one med I’m starting (again) tomorrow, there’s nothing I’m taking that anyone could get high off of so..
EDIT #2: and I don’t mean to sound like I don’t have any faith in my roommates. I just know that sometimes things slip out or maybe they’ll be mad at me for some reason sometime and blurt out, “Mckenna’s on meds and is crazy and weird like you didn’t know all that already”. Nah, my roommates are nice of course - I just visualize worst case scenarios and shiz.
My friend knows someone who keeps all her money in a hollow dildo. If you don’t think that’s genius, just imagine a robber stealing from a teenage girl’s room. Is he going to look in the dildo? Is he even going to want to touch the dildo?? No. A hollow dildo is safer than any safe or lock.
So apparently feminism is a hate movement. I’m sorry I don’t remember any feminists going on any shooting sprees because they were rejected by men or sending death and rape threats to blogger who pointed out sexism in video games.
One of the things that is keeping me going is writing my memoir. I scared myself away from writing more of it for a long time (started a while back) because I didn’t know how I was going to pace it or how I was going to divide the chapters, etc. But now I’ve realized, I don’t need to necessarily worry about aaaaaall that now. First I can try and get it all typed out. It’ll be a rough draft! I mean, it doesn’t have to be perfect yet.
And of course that’s a tough concept for me to be okay with: it doesn’t have to be perfect yet.
And yes I know it’s weird that I’m writing a memoir at the age of almost-nineteen but you know what, I have a lot to say and that doesn’t mean people will actually want to read it but OH FUCKING WELL
“'How do you feel about your contact lenses?' she asked me. Every day since the third grade I had had to wear glasses or contact lenses, as she well knew. 'Do you consider putting lenses in shameful? Is being nearsighted a failure of will?'
Of course, I didn’t think so. I simply needed them to function. That, she concluded, was her point exactly.”—
Clea Simon, Mad House pub. 1997
If you ever feel ashamed to be on antidepressants or other drugs, read this and remember that you don’t need to feel that shame. Be kind to yourself, lovelies <3 do what is best for YOU
you binged you restricted you cut or hurt yourself you stayed in bed all day and cried you purged you obsessively exercised.
tommorow is a new day. actually, this moment, right now, is a fresh start. your mistakes and lapses don’t have to turn into a relapse. at any time, you have the power to change your actions, to create a new future. something better, something brighter, something happier.
I think you’ll always have a piece of my heart. You don’t need to keep it in your pocket, or even in plain sight. If you want to put it in a box to store in your closet, that’s okay. I don’t mind because I know you didn’t take it by force. You didn’t carve into the flesh of my chest and rip out what you thought deserved to be your share. I don’t remember if I exactly gave it to you, but you have it now, and I think that’s right.
Also, please don’t let this part of me put you under pressure. You don’t need to feel like you owe me anything. Just take care, and uncover your fraction of my heart every once in a while to show it that you’re still smiling.
I’m also very happy because one of the women I hung out with yesterday, one of the RAs actually, recommended a place for me to get my industrial piercing. AND she offered to go with me! So yay that’s exciting and very very nice.
HALLELUJAH my shift on Tuesday was cancelled so I don’t have to be in to work again until Friday. I really hope I can figure out all this sickness I’ve been dealing with before then - sickness that I suspect is due to my recent med change. Must solve this goddamn mystery because my body is fucking frustrating me.
I don’t know how it turned out with my roommate last night (the one that was crying) but before I left today I wrote a little sticky note for her and placed it somewhere she would see. Just basically said ‘I hope you’re okay and that you have a good day today’. Just so she doesn’t think I’m heartless enough to ignore the tough time she had last night, you know?
So I have my door closed but then I hear one of my roommates crying in the next room, talking to one of my other roommates, so I open the door because yo can I help? But then they close the door so basically I’m guessing they want privacy. And I can respect that.
Respect others’ privacy. Even if it makes you feel hurt that they don’t want to let you in. Sometimes you’re not the person another person needs to talk to at that moment, and you gotta respect that and back off.
Its hard for people without depression to understand when some days that just dropping a cup of water will bring you to tears because they think oh this is just one little thing but you see it as oh my god I can’t even get water without fucking up and now I’ve made a huge mess I shouldn’t even try
My ex-best friend messaged me over Facebook yesterday because of something I posted, which she also commented on, and my heart just feels like it might break. Most I’ve heard from her in a while. I typically keep myself from commenting on her stuff because she’s told me in the past that remembering things about treatment (which can be triggered by people like me) can send her into panic attacks. Which is hard, sort of staying in the shadows watching someone you platonically love grow and have a baby and look so happy. But I make the sacrifice not to force conversation between us because I KNOW it’s best for her. But the fact that she’s reached out a couple times to ME in the past day just makes me feel like, super emotional.
You're right that it's "not about the food" but any ED treatment team worth their weight in salt knows that dealing with the underlying stuff is pointless. You can't do any real work until you are nutritionally restored/stable. Also, use the threat (nay, inevitability) of leaving school to push you in the right direction?
I partly agree - I know that being nutritionally stable is huge in terms of recovery but I have had experience with the method of weight gain before therapy, basically, and it was not helpful at all. I was in a hospital where I was put on a meal plan to gain a lot of weight very rapidly, and there was basically no therapy because their philosophy WAS that weight gain was needed before the underlying things could be touched on. HOWEVER, it was during that rapid few weeks of weight gain that I was absolutely miserable, learned to purge and began purging because I needed a way to cope and I wasn’t getting any therapeutic help.
But then again, in terms of me partly agreeing with you, I am aware that, because of the low functioning of the brain when nutrition isn’t optimal, it is typically hard to do therapy and learn coping skills because a person’s mind may not be open to the learning of new coping skills or even the suggestion that what they think about their self and food is wrong. I’m not articulating that well, but I’ve heard a lot of lectures by my psychiatrist about the affects of an eating disorder on the basal ganglia and frontal cortex lol.
The leaving school part is a very big encourager for me though. Well, mostly that I’m worried I won’t be able to perform in school well. Grades are a huge thing for me and I would be devastated if my grades dropped. I *know* I need to be eating to be able to concentrate and function to the best of my ability - it’s just hard to put in action, you know? But believe me, I really am trying. I think.
But thank you for this message. I appreciate the time you took to send it to me <3